A few weeks back I sat on my prayer mat and God and I met together, and He listened to me as I poured through the list of things on my mind and heart.  Some fairly significant and even tragic events had gone on around me, touching my life in varying degrees and with varying senses of challenge, loss and hope.

When I was done and sat quietly, taking in the soft light and captivating aroma of candles, listening for God’s response I was taken aback by what He brought to the table through the words and the tears that rose rapidly within me and finally were voiced in a flood, “I miss my dad – he would have known what to say at a time like this.”  I cried for a long time, and remembered a man that in so many ways had seemed bent on destroying the very thing he so desperately wanted to express.  And I laughed as I remembered how good he was in a weird kind of way, at pulling me back from some of my more ensnaring emotions, whether by lecturing me ad nauseum, or by getting me so angry with him that I became laser focused on better things almost to spite him; definitely in spite of him.  And I remembered our final conversation – words of tenderness and care…words that restored the multitude of years the locust had eaten in a way that can only be attributed to the wonderful mystery of God’s ways…words of life and encouragement. 

And I realized that I longed for those words from him in that moment.  And I agreed with God that my dad really did know me rather well, better than anyone, better than I had ever realized while he was living.

Together God and I grieved the things that never were, and the things that were but now were gone.  And together God and I celebrated that my dad was with Him now, and peace settled over my soul.  I was thankful that in the midst of everything else going on at the time, God didn’t let this personal continued journey of healing get lost or diverted, minimized or dismissed in the face of the more immediate.

And then I realized, it was exactly two years to the day when my dad had died.  Beneath all the earlier stirring in my heart was a deeper need that only God was attentive to and He brought me into a space where I could see it and He could meet it.

For me, this was yet another defining moment that I still reflect upon though many days have passed since then.  That night remains evidence why we must pursue a listening life.  There is a Father who loves us and meets us in places that aren’t even on our radar screen…if we let Him.  There is a Father who knows us far better than even the best human dad in the whole world. 

Cami Sigler noted in an article she wrote that the opposite of an audire life (Latin for listening) is literally, an absurd life.  I have come to appreciate her words more and more.  It does indeed seem absurd to not listen and keep myself from such a Father’s love and attentiveness.

This was driven home to me again this past week.

I had spent the weekend leading university students and their leaders through a weekend Sabbath – a time to learn to listen to God and get to know Him as a loving Father; a time to listen to themselves and discover some of the places they needed to open up to His love; a time to learn to listen to and simply enjoy one another recognizing that it is in community that we come to know some of the deeper truths that God longs for us to know.

I had the opportunity to take some of my own time to consider these very things myself, and I too was refreshed in the certainty of who God is, who I am, and that I belong to Him and that I belong amongst those He calls His own.  We all went home tired but having experienced something amazing!

Then it came – an email that left me deeply disappointed and with a whole new set of questions for God.  I had been turned down for something that I had only pursued because I had listened to God.  I had embraced the wisdom and prayers of my community in the process…I had loosened my grip on many things, open to whatever God wanted, in fact seeing for the first time ever, an opportunity that seemed to speak to the whole of my life.  And now it was gone.

I felt lost – my biggest questions…”What was that all about?”  and “What am I supposed to do now?”

And in the face of the temptation to be taken down by this “no”, I resisted and chose to focus on the “yes-es” that God speaks into my life.  And I particularly drew on the weekend He and I had just had together.

In the days since, God has positioned me to listen to others who have found themselves in the same place, asking the same questions in the face of yet another what seems like “absurd” no. 

And as I listened to each person’s story my own thoughts on this became more clear; peace regarding my own circumstance quickly landed and grew within me, until it was voiced through me yesterday in one of those conversations. “We are called to a listening life regardless of the outcomes.  The question is not “why God?” but rather, “did I listen to God?” 

If I can answer “yes”, then I have done my part and the rest is up to Him. 

Mmmm…

So God and I exchanged “yes-es” this week.  I have no regrets…and the “what now” question doesn’t seem too relevant. 

What would be absurd is to stop listening just because things keep turning out differently than I or others in their circumstances, anticipated. 

I know this Father’s love.  I don’t understand His ways, but I know His voice and I know that He knows me best.  I know that He listens to me.  I trust Him.  I will keep listening to Him.