I look at my notebook and see the list of all the things I have still to do this week, and posting a new blog entry isn’t on the list.  Which is partly why I’m doing this.  Writing for me is a rest from the “to do” list that I actually find rather rejuvenating and refocusing. 

There were lots of times over the past couple of months when I was going to post a new thought…even had a few different titles floating in my mind.  And now today, as I try to put words together I realize that what has been circulating like live energy within me are many different thoughts and ponderings and events and ideas…

So, I thought I would just put some of them out there…kind of like little proverbs, each containing their own nugget of treasure not necessarily related to the other…pieces from my journal and reading and things that I have heard lately.  They are in fact, related in that they represent the many different ways I hear and process things as I make decisions, reflect on life, and seek God…the only one who can untangle everything in me and somehow make it useful and fruitful 🙂

So, here it goes…

“Behold, you desire truth in the inward parts; and in the hidden part you will make me to know wisdom.” (Psalm 51:6)

Sometimes there are storms and the wind is fierce, and the waves insistent and they can overtake you and seek to devour you – to wash you up.  But to those who stand in them and are not overtaken – they are merely washed, and strengthened and made all the more certain of whose they are. (journal entry)

Where is my joy in all of this?  It is the undercurrent sustaining me – I cannot explain it.  It is the life that courses in me…it is in the peace that holds the tumult…my joy is Him, before whom all is laid bare…all that I am; all that is within me – before Him. (journal entry)

I had lunch with someone today who unknowingly but completely challenged me…who reminded me that I haven’t arrived without making me feel small; that I don’t know everything and that I can get sloppy when I am not around those who keep me sharp, yet I don’t feel judged or shamed in any way; who exposed in me a hunger that I had tried to tucked away, not knowing what to do with its constant gnawing that is never filled. (journal entry)

Seeking your consolation in the face of unfulfilled desire…seeking your completeness in the face of what is so incomplete in me. (journal entry)

Perhaps some of what the world calls mental illness is simply a mind that will no longer be prisoner to the world. (journal entry)

He will hold you steady; He will keep you true. (journal entry)

I grasp at nothing but act with purpose. (journal entry)

Targeted optimism – you can’t twist every moment to reconstitute it so that it strengthens you…some moments are simply emotionally draining… (Buckingham, 2009)

Don’t let the biggest obstacle of all be your own self-denial. (Buckingham, 2009)

Be open to the hardest times.  They can reveal precisely where you have the greatest strength. (Buckingham, 2009)

Don’t try to put in what God left out.  Try to draw out what God left in.  That’s hard enough. (Buckingham, 2009)

Instead of saying “I love you, God” try saying, “I love you too, God”. (Moore, 2010)

Not everything is clear to me, but the things that matter are. (journal entry)

You will see others through the overflow of your own inner darkness or light. (journal entry)

(Heard in prayer) Rather than thinking of your  life in terms of a trajectory – a linear line, as in “what’s next,” think about what speaks most completely to the story of God in the whole of your life, and do that. 

 The apostle Paul “forgot” certain things – the things that would hold him back.  But he didn’t forget his experiences and training and orientations, all which now shaped and spoke into his priorities, passion and purpose. (journal entry)

In giving Him the time…in responding to His nudging of my heart, I was brought into what He knew I needed…the layers peeled back until what was hidden but not inactive could come to the fore…I cannot describe what I have experienced other than to say that as I sit here in the quiet, I know I have been “known” and the fruit is peace. (journal entry)

And most recently…

“Do the things that I live for align with the things I would die for?” (West, 2010)

In close:

I am in the midst of much uncertainty but I think I have finally learned to focus only on the things that are clear and leave the rest with God.  Many of the above thoughts continue to swirl within me, challenging me and inviting me to reflect, evaluate and respond with a greater desire to pursue the things that matter.  And those things aren’t all the same as they were just a few months ago.

This too, all speaks to love – the love that I was invited to learn more about this year.  A Father’s love that is incomprehensible yet totally available.  A gutsy, passionate, gritty, dangerous, tender love that won’t let things stay as they are…won’t let me stay where I am…won’t let me drift into stagnant waters…won’t always tell me where we’re going but also won’t send me off to figure it all out on my own.

Some look at my life and wonder if I will ever get it together…if I will ever land and stick with something for more than a season.  I guess it depends on how they measure that…if they are talking about tasks, roles, jobs, etc…probably not.  But if they are talking about sticking with God no matter what…doing whatever it is He asks me to do…for however long he asks me to do it…I think I might have a chance.

Peace and joy to you.